The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: Kernels of Truth

[Whispers] I think I might be enjoying Gizelle this season …

Listen — it is only episode three, so I will let the season air out more before I render an honest verdict on her, but I must say that Gizelle has figured out the exact right balance of maintaining the mess while still keeping things light. Who’s to say how long it lasts? Still, I am enjoying what I have been seeing so far — words I never thought would come out of my mouth in this universe or the next.

Let’s get into the taglines first. This is our best collection of one-liners from the girls in quite some time. The writers they hired should (mostly) be proud.

We pick right back up on the tail end of Gizelle and Ashley’s GNA Wellness launch–fundraiser–memorial–happy hour (still not clear what the event actually was), and the women are baffled that Gizelle is not only roundly kicking them out but involving security to send them on their way. While I still think Gizelle was fully right in her frustrations and demands that the women at least have basic home training, I do think that Ashley failed to properly communicate Gizelle’s frustrations and position when the women called her. If I recall, Gizelle disapproved of an 8 p.m. cutoff that Ashley offered in the hopes that the women would make it before then and it would be smoothed over. None of that happened, and now Gizelle is understandably screaming at new cast members — whom she is meeting for maybe the second time in her life — at her event, while Ashley looks off into the distance, unfazed by the chaos she has wrought.

Needless to say, the women all storm off in a huff. Stacey is aghast at the treatment; Mia claims that she “doesn’t do” tasteless or classless, which is certainly news to the rest of us; Jassi starts rambling about military time, a trick that I’m sure helped her as a flight attendant but doesn’t impress anyone who knows how to add by 12. Given the information the women had, I can understand why they might have felt put out, but I also felt that they could have recognized standard etiquette for RSVPs. Nevertheless, they charge into the van, fuming about their mistreatment, while Ashley scurries after them on Gizelle’s orders with a QR code to donate to the fundraiser. Jassi is not having that — she swiftly closes the van door on Ashley as she oh so politely informs her that the bags under her eyes are visible.

The women debrief about the event at Stacey’s house, coining the fiasco “Gangstas ’n’ Alcohol,” which is a bit dramatic for what went down but hilarious nonetheless. Jassi and Ashley drive up and immediately get into it over the previous night’s events. In a bit of high comedy, Ashley cannot just take the apology from Jassi gracefully for closing the door on her — she milks it, insisting that she was sore from a door that was moving at less than a mile an hour. Now, listen — I may not live a Sprinter-van life, but many versions of a Honda Odyssey have picked me up via Uber, and the only thing those sliding doors have ever injured is my personal sense of hand-eye coordination. Luckily, Jassi immediately clocks Ashley’s statements as a lie, having closed the door on herself as a test, prompting Ashley to retort by saying that there’s no way she could have known that when she pushed the button. Ashley moves a lot like Tamra Judge: consistently stirring shit and lying for the fun of it and then when you catch them on it, they’ll argue the potential alternate universe of the truth of that lie until you’re left bug-eyed.

The true showdown of the day was still to come: Karen (who was very visibly dropped off by Ray, who I’m not altogether sure should legally be driving at his age) walks directly into the middle of the mêlée, booming her voice like she is the word of God, which speaks to her inflated sense of self-importance. Karen and Ashley immediately get to having words with each other, and I must say that while I may disagree with Karen’s aggressive approach to addressing her issues, when the Grande Dame is clocked in, she is amazing to watch. After calling her birthday party an inquisition, she starts mocking Ashley’s head-shaking gestures and immediately pivots to a very valid deflection: Ashley demanded fealty from the cast when her still-husband was, as Karen so colorfully described it, “pinching asses one, two, and three.” In fact, part of her bond with Monique was over the fact that Monique clearly deleted any footage that would have contributed to her Gollum of a partner’s criminal liability. Karen is simply following tradition as she goes through a criminal process of her own, as far as she is concerned. She pretty quickly transitions to clowning Ashley’s bunions, a jab so absurd and hilarious that Ashley can’t even maintain the momentum of her argument and throws her hands up in defeat. Even she knows that responding to “You should have used that Uber-gift-card money for your corns” with “Well, you should worry about jail time” just doesn’t land.

That is all well and good, but none of that distracts from the fact that Karen intentionally mishandled the competing events to place everyone in a bad position — a power play that Gizelle clearly recognizes for what it is. What floored me, however, was that instead of icing the cast out — those who did not defer to her — she opted not only to apologize (gasp) but also to try to get to know the woman better. Personally, I didn’t think Gizelle needed to apologize so much as she simply could have explained, but I will take it. As Wendy points out in the group sit-down, this feels like a brand-new Gizelle. She starts discovering more about Stacey’s life and divorce, leading Ashley to volunteer the information that she has a “special friend.” Stacey is naturally put off by Ashley sharing information unprompted, but what Stacey will soon learn is that Ashley only comes in one mode, and that is an agent of chaos and destruction; trust her with your secrets at your own peril.

Next week, Mia takes the girls to Lake Norman, North Carolina, and judging by the previews, the waters will not be calm.

Cherry Blossoms

• I don’t know what to say about the Mia-Inc-Gordon situation. We saw that woman in three houses in ONE episode. Unreal! First, she’s in a bizarre Three’s Company situation, in which she’s still taking care of Gordon’s hangnails; then she’s in an Airbnb staycation rental, where she and Jacqueline bring their partners and kids over and commiserate over their twisted romantic lives. Now she lives in a corner suite in D.C.? I know the production crew was exhausted, having to get new clearances every time she moved. And exactly what was Jacqueline suggesting by noting that Inc asked her out after Mia and Inc broke up the first time? Get us out of this narrative as soon as possible.

• Insert obligatory gushing over Gizelle’s kids. No, seriously — Gizelle’s daughters looked stunning as they were getting ready for prom, and I’m sure she’s struggling a bit with her empty nest as she continues to grieve. That said, I do not need to see Pastor Bryant on our screens ever again. He has been accused of more dirty laundry than a freshman on an SEC football team, and unless Gizelle is forcing him to address that on-camera, we can leave him behind the scenes, where he belongs.

• What exactly are we supposed to make of this dynamic between Stacey and TJ? I don’t really care about TJ’s vow of celibacy until marriage — that is his choice and right — but their interactions seem painfully stilted and awkward in a very off-putting way. A lack of sexual intimacy doesn’t mean a lack of romance, and his responses to her feel very … sterile, to put it kindly. I can appreciate if he is simply maintaining boundaries until she is formally divorced, but he also agreed to come on-camera and film — he could at least act as if he likes her as a person! Right now, it feels as though she’s throwing herself at him and he’s giving her the stiff-arm, and I hate to see a beautiful baddie go down like that.

• Keiarna is a gorgeous woman with a gorgeous mother, but all this public fussing over her new man concerns me. I wish this cast weren’t so tied to the idea that men are the ultimate prize — all of these beauties could easily have their pick of the litter.

• It’s taken a few seasons, but I think Wendy has finally started to get a handle on presenting her family in a light and authentic way. As the eldest daughter of an African mother, I recognize so many of the tropes in the scene: the random groceries that were shipped to you for a stew, a blender that will perennially smell like a combo of the hottest peppers you have tasted in your life, Wendy’s youngest daughter being terrified by the massive dried stockfish. (Which, yes, is smelly when cooking because it is cod, after all.) Like Wendy, I cook and even have a good hand at a good selection of traditional recipes, but when it comes to the old magic, I need my mom to come in. I also loved hearing that the families are finally making progress in reconciling in time for Wendy’s 40th birthday. This version of Wendy — a woman who, yes, prays over her cocktails while drinking them through a straw — is much more palatable than the versions of her we’ve seen on-camera in previous years.