Dear Love Is Blind readers, we’re just getting to know each other. I’ve had a long and occasionally storied history here on this site, but you and I, we’re new friends. So I’m going to tell you a few things about me: I’ve done spoken-word poetry, I hate roller coasters, and I cry at everything. If there is a baby being born on a television program, I will weep. If someone is getting proposed to in a movie, my face will be wet. The “Coming up this season on The Golden Bachelor” montage? I WAS A WRECK. But this? This double-wedding finale episode? My face was parched. Not a tear was shed. Not even a hint of that tight feeling in your chest when you can feel the tears about to come on but you shove them back down. This season of Love Is Blind completely failed to deliver a satisfying or coherent or even reasonable love story, so by the time I settled in to watch this wedding episode, I didn’t care if I had tissues or not. I knew there’d be no tears flowing.
We’ve only got two couples heading to the altar this season, and quite frankly, I don’t think either of them should have ever gotten this far! Going into this finale, I thought that any outcome was possible. Each couple had pros and very real cons, so the question of who would say “I do” at the last moment was still very much up in the air. So, I guess there was a little suspense going into the weddings, but is there a word for “you feel suspense that something is going to happen but you definitely don’t want it to happen”? Because that’s what I felt this entire episode. Wait … hang on, I think the word I’m looking for is dread. Existential, life-altering, terrifying dread. Let’s get into it.
There are only two couples, so Netflix rented this venue space for a few hours and the flowers didn’t even start to wilt. They got the place for a steal! The first wedding is Izzy and Stacy. Stacy arrives and proceeds to say a series of wild things about Izzy: “I love Izzy. He’s amazing, kind, and thoughtful. He’s vulnerable. He’s so exotic. He’s so hot. He’s a big ol’ chunk of meat.” Ma’am, I say this as politely as I can: What the fuck? “HE’S SO EXOTIC”?? Gross. Gross. Gross. Please, white people dating people of color, DO NOT SAY THIS. Combined with Stacy’s nonstop comments about his big dick during the Mexico trip, it’s painting a pretty perplexing picture.
As we look back on each of these couples, we can make some assumptions about their motives for wanting to be on Love Is Blind in the first place. My guess with Stacy is that her family and friends made fun of her for dating wealthy 45-year-olds one too many times and she wanted to prove to herself that she could choose someone age-appropriate and that she didn’t care about money. And for a while, Izzy was that younger man who turned her on and she could bring around her family and say “See! I can date a fellow millennial!” But that’s just not what she wants … but we’ll get to that.
Izzy is arriving at the venue with just a backpack? How do men arrive with just nothing on their person? Izzy is still reeling from their fight about him concealing his credit score. He talks about their relationship like he’s trying to remember the lyrics to “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” by J.Lo: “Love has no credit score, love has no price tag, love has no timeline.” Izzy says that he’s never going to run away and he’s always going to stick around and he’s getting up there and he’s saying “yes.” Izzy, you’re supposed to leave a little mystery going into the ceremony.
Stacy sits down with her sisters and talks about how Izzy has had so many different experiences than she has and there’s so much he hasn’t done. For example, his favorite restaurant is Chipotle. Oh, ha ha ha! Let’s all LAUGH at the man who likes CHIPOTLE. Stacy, we get it, Izzy is a pauper who has never been anywhere with anyone or done anything. And, I’m sorry — what would she prefer to be his favorite restaurant? What could the bougiest restaurant in Houston be? Eddie V’s? Grow up, Stacy.
Izzy writes a letter to Stacy before the ceremony and it couldn’t arrive at a better time, because Stacy is freaking out. Unfortunately, the note rhymes. Who taught these people about poetry?
“You never get complacey, you’re so hot, I want to turn on the A/C, I wanna glue my hands to your boobs like a pasty.” SHE READS THIS IN FRONT OF HER MOTHER! Stacy says that this is the only note Izzy wrote without her having to prompt him. She says she’s a hopeless romantic.
Also, Stacy is wearing those Jimmy Choo wedding shoes. Those are like $1,200 shoes.
Time for the ceremony! Izzy enters the event space and says, “What’s up?” and does a little twirl. When Stacy comes in, she says “It’s a whole lotta dress, y’all!” and Izzy shows her off because she looks so good. What is the tone of this ceremony? Everyone is too casual. Izzy’s vows start with, “You are tough to crack” and ends with, “I will be that calm, cooling man that you need.” He also says that Stacy hit him like “a train out of left field.” How are the metaphors like a can of nuts? Because they’re MIXED. Stacy somehow repeats this truly bonkers line in her speech that absolutely sounds like she’s going to say “yes.” She says that the whole experience has been “a freakin’ hurricane” and he’s the calm in the storm.
When it’s time to actually say “I do,” Izzy says “yes,” and Stacy says saying yes would be a disservice to their relationship and they just need more time. Izzy says that he understands and gives her a kiss. They both leave the ceremony, check in with their families, and have a chat. Izzy is very confused, and Stacy says that the timing just isn’t right. They need more time to work through their issues. Izzy wonders if the time will ever be right, and if he’s the one, what does it matter? They could die tomorrow! Then Izzy goes into a rant about how Stacy couldn’t block out the bullshit and just focus on their relationship. The best part is, “Why are you 33, single, and not married? I’m 29 and I can give you everything a rich 45-year-old man that you always go for and always fail with can’t give you … I’m sad.” Unbelievable shade followed by some emotional whiplash. That’s why we turn to Love Is Blind.
It’s time for Lydia and Milton’s big day! There’s considerably less drama because these two are (somehow) making their way toward marriage. It’s very hard to discuss what Lydia says about Milton because it’s very generic. She basically says, “He holds me every night. I’m marrying the love of my life. I found love and I get to get married today” over and over in slightly different words until it’s time to walk down the aisle. Meanwhile, Milton didn’t bring a pen to write down his vows and his backpack IS FULL of those little floss picks.
The main “drama” leading up to their wedding is Milton sitting down with his family and friends over and over again as they ask him, “You sure, bro?” It’s here that Milton’s immaturity really comes through. A lot of the fandom point to Milton’s unemotional nature and insistence on logic as evidence that he hasn’t matured enough to not be afraid of emotions and appreciative of them in other people. And that’s definitely true and makes him a real bummer to be around, but I’m more struck by how in every interaction, Milton brushes off concerns with, “I know better.” Milton’s dad brings him some cuff links and asks Milton if he’s got any questions. Milton says “About what?” ABOUT WHAT? You’re about to get married to a stranger, it would be very normal if you had a query or two. Milton’s dad tries to offer up some marital advice from someone who’s been married for 30-plus years, and Milton is like, “Yeah, that’s your relationship.” His dad even shakes his head and goes, “You got it figured out.” There are plenty of reasons to not want to replicate the dynamics of your parents’ relationship, but to just assume that you’ve got it under control and you’ve got all the data you need is pretty silly. But I think “thinking you know everything” is basically what being 24 is like.
Time for the ceremony! Lydia’s brother is crying. He’s shedding the tears I cannot. Lydia starts her vows with, “I fell in love with you because you chose me.” I know she means “chose” in a romantic way, but it does come across like, “I fell in love with you because you liked me and that’s all I really need.” She also says he made sure she knew she was his first, and Lydia, baby, add the word “choice.” First choice. Milton says that he fell in love with Lydia because she challenges him and inspires him. He never had a doubt about her and he hopes it continues that way forever. They both say “I do” and kiss before the officiant tells them to! They did it. Hooray.
They head off to their post-wedding gazebo and immediately start bickering. Milton can’t pop a bottle, he chugs an entire Champagne flute like a shot, they argue about the right way to cut a cake. They will be having the same fights until they die. At one point, Lydia’s veil flies off and Milton puts it on with his tux and honestly? It’s a fucking vibe. More men should look into this as a formal look.
Aaaaah! A montage of all the people who ended up single! Taylor! JP! Uche! Aaliyah! Johnie! Chris! The lessons they learned! What a jump-scare.
Lydia ends the episode by saying that Milton is her “imperfect perfect relationship,” and Milton says, “What does that mean? Your English is so bad.” Bruh, that is your fucking wife.
No miscellaneous pod goss this week. There aren’t enough other people floating around, and we already talked about Stacy’s $1,200 shoes. See you for the reunion! Bring on the Lacheys!