Before we wade into the troubled waters of the pool party from hell, we get glimpses of our engaged couples on solo dates. (I want to take a moment to acknowledge how TikTok-pilled the whole cast is. Can we get through a single episode without one of them trilling “It’s the ______ for me”? Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.) Why are Alexa and Brennon stuck at a glorified backyard while the other couples are off surfing and boating? If they’re happy, I’m happy, but I’m confused — not as confused as Brennon is when Alexa quotes Megan Thee Stallion, though. “Identify yourself however you like,” he says when she refers to herself as a savage. I’m LOL.
A few miles down the road (presumably), Cole is surfing while Zanab watches from her beach. He emerges from the waves and comments on her alcohol consumption before asking her if she’s having any second thoughts. She isn’t. When Zanab flips the question, Cole hesitates. He tells her that she’s physically different from anyone he’s ever dated and that the majority of girls he has been with have more closely resembled Colleen. I feel this has already been established and am not sure why Cole routinely echoes this sentiment, especially when it makes Zanab’s insecurities flare up. Zanab claims she loves how transparent Cole is, but all I see is her getting hurt due to his lack of filter. Being straightforward ≠ being mean. Cole doesn’t seem to understand this.
Matt shatters the vacation veneer out at sea and asks Colleen about how they’ll adjust to being back home in Dallas — namely how Colleen will react when other guys hit on her at bars. She enthuses that she can’t wait to tell them all that she’s taken, actually, and Matt says their foundation is stronger than his ten-year relationship that ended in divorce. I’m starting to sense that Matt’s insecurities from his ex-wife’s cheating will begin to show themselves.
The pod squad then reunites for a massive group date poolside, and I can’t say it’s all fun in the sun. Raven admits that her relationship with SK was medium at first but it’s improving (is it?), while Alexa reveals that the first time she had sex with Brennon it was just two minutes of him “jamming it in,” but she assures the girls they’re good now and I genuinely believe her.
Bartise, meanwhile, proves he’s an even bigger idiot than we imagined. He swims over to Raven to tell her she’s hot and insists they’re a perfect match on paper (not true). I’m confused because even if this were true, why would it matter? Raven is turned off, and in her confessional, she makes an amazing point: Bartise never had compliments for pod Raven, but now he’s drooling over real-life Raven? That’s not flattering. She drags the hell out of him, saying that they aren’t compatible and that she made the right choice by going for SK. Later, Raven drags the hell out of Matt, too, saying he’s so forgettable that she forgot he was even part of the show — and you know what? She’s not wrong.
If Bartise is dumb, Cole is even dumber. Alexa casually asks how he’s doing, and with no real prompting, he jumps right in, telling her that Zanab, his stunning fiancée, isn’t the first girl he would pick out of a crowd and that he thinks she’s hot now only because he’s in love with her. Why are you saying this out loud, Cole? Alexa is rightfully stunned but goes with it. And who among us wouldn’t?
Of course, the Cole catastrophe doesn’t end here. He paddles over to Colleen, gets jealous when she says she and Matt haven’t had any issues yet (oh, just you wait, honey!), and then shit-talks his fiancée, telling Colleen the same old story about Zanab’s not being the first girl he’d pick in a crowd. Who is Cole’s type? Colleen wonders. You, he tells her. Dear God, what a mess. Colleen confirms that Cole’s the type of guy she would approach in a bar, and Cole says he’d go up to her, too. The fact that this interaction is the catalyst for so much conflict is absolutely mind-boggling. They’re both being annoying, but I don’t expect anything less? Cole is a troublemaking troll, and Colleen loves attention. I think this conversation is inappropriate but ultimately harmless, and yet … and yet! Meanwhile, can someone get poor Matt some sunscreen? Our boy is getting burned!
I know I just said Cole’s the dumber one, but I’m already changing my mind. Bartise’s doubling down on Raven being hot after the pool party is mind-blowing. Imagine being this dense and rude. He tells Nancy that Raven is fucking gorgeous and that he and she make sense to the naked eye, whatever that means. But don’t worry, Nance, you two have an easy and emotional connection! This is so offensive. My heart hurts for poor Nancy. Bartise then grills Nancy about whether she thinks SK and Raven will make it down the aisle, and I swear I spot a glimmer of regret in his eye. I hate this man. Nancy says she thinks they’ll be successful, and Bartise flips the question, asking Nancy if she would marry him right now. This is perhaps the most bone-chilling part of the whole episode. Nancy says yes, a typical Love Is Blind response, and Bartise responds with “Your answer right now would be yes? Really?” Run, Nancy, run! This man is playing you, and even if he weren’t, he simply sucks!
I hope poor Zanab is getting paid, because this woman is babysitting. She and Cole rehash their fight from the pool party: She had asked him to rate her; he said that she’s a nine out of ten but that Colleen and Raven are tens out of tens. I do not condone violence, but I wish I could reach into my TV and smack this man. Once again, I’m asking who the hell says this out loud? Cole reminds her that there are always going to be other girls (???) but that he has chosen her and that nobody thinks their partner is the hottest person ever, all the time, “unless they’re married to Kim Kardashian … who you look like, so we’re close.” I am speechless. My jaw is on the floor. I can’t even begin to unpack this. In fact, I am so stunned by this exchange I barely register Colleen and Matt’s blowout argument over, you guessed it, Cole.
Matt is on the ledge. I don’t like his fighting style, and I don’t like the way he talks to Colleen. He’s about to pack his bags and hit the road — which seems to be a pattern for him — and he even starts trying to rationalize with the camera operators. But as we learn the next morning, the two manage to work it out. Wonderful.