I don’t know what I am more shocked by: Nancy rejecting Andrew’s proposal, or Andrew seemingly using Rohto eye drops. For those of you who weren’t massive stoners in high school, these drops are notoriously strong and provide an intense cooling sensation for your eyes. They’ll brighten and whiten your eyeballs lickety-split. And Andrew, a 29-year-old, is using them in his confessional. The same confessional where he admits he never thought he would be able to care about someone who’d bring him to tears. Bullet dodged, Nance!
Nancy frolics over to Bartise, whom she refers to as the boy version of herself as well as her “male twin,” and gleefully accepts his proposal. Their real-life chemistry is infectious. There is an instant familiarity between them; their body language is warm and open toward each other, and, like Cole before him, Bartise is into her boobs! Nice! We get to watch them hang out after meeting for the first time, which we don’t get for all the couples, and it’s sweet. They’re nervous but in an excited, cute way, and even if these two don’t make it down the aisle, I think their initial connection is authentic (as it can be!).
Meanwhile, SK and Raven’s meeting is … awkward. All the familiarity we saw with Nancy and Bartise? These two show the inverse of that. I don’t think this means they’re doomed; rather, they simply have to work harder at creating that physical ease. Both SK and Raven almost need someone like Nancy or Bartise, someone who can break the ice and create that closeness. Raven is nervous about SK finding her attractive, and I am seeing some parallels between her insecurities and her obsession with working out. I applaud Raven for verbalizing how the experience of meeting SK is overwhelming for her, and I think these two do a solid job of communicating their uneasiness in these two episodes.
And at last, Matt proposes to Colleen. She gets her fairy-tale ending! For now, at least. They run toward each other and seem to be genuinely happy with what they see. I actually think these two crazy kids are going to make it! Cheers to getting litty as a titty!
Before long, these Texans touch down in Malibu to get to know each other better before they get, well, married. Does anyone else catch Colleen asking Matt if he lived with his ex? Babe, they were married? For six years? Let the record show she literally says, “Wait, you’re gonna have to remind me with your whole, like, past thing. Did y’all live together?” Past thing? Babe! That was an EX-WIFE. I am … moving on. I am also obsessed with Colleen claiming she’s a foodie yet being unfamiliar with sashimi. Priceless. That being said, their chemistry seems great, and, of course, Colleen was a serial Hinge user. I do have a question about Matt’s “EST” tattoo, though, and I am hoping it’s not in reference to the Erhard Seminars Training organization, which I learned about while watching The Americans!
Alexa and Brennon’s chemistry also seems solid, and I’m giggling over Alexa “roughing it” in the great outdoors that is Malibu. Get this girl back to her Botox, ASAP! Speaking of which, I feel pangs of sadness when Alexa and Brennon reveal to each other that they both get Botox. I am not anti-Botox; I get Botox injections. But it saddens me because it feels as if their confessions are tinted with regret almost. It isn’t the Botox that gives me pause but their underlying reasons for getting it. It’s in Malibu that these two discuss what will likely be their biggest obstacle: their polar-opposite families. Alexa’s is big and boisterous and offensive, while Matt’s is calm and quiet. How will these two worlds merge?
Poor SK didn’t realize he would be signing up for boot camp by proposing to Raven. She runs them through a Pilates sesh and SK can barely hang. During their sound bath, he promptly falls asleep — and who among us wouldn’t? His napping seems to bother Raven, but maybe it’s just that she still doesn’t feel that je ne sais quoi, that frisson of excitement, when with him. She tells SK she wishes he had more pizzazz and admits she still feels physically awkward around him. I personally appreciate his quiet and steady confidence. But unfortunately, the body famously keeps the score, and I don’t have high hopes that these two will overcome that disconnect.
Cole and Zanab are also disconnecting but not physically. Their physical connection is there; to put it frankly, they fuck, but something isn’t matching up. At one point, Cole says their conversation is boring and then asks Zanab what her favorite big cat is. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what dating a 26-year-old will get you! Cole keeps remarking that seeing Zanab is surreal and that he had a different picture of what she would look like. This is weird. Even weirder? How Cole tells Zanab she looks different without her makeup. First: She doesn’t. Second: That’s a rude thing to say! Zanab can’t let this go, and I have a feeling this stray comment will make a guest appearance in a future fight.
Their first morning together isn’t great either. Zanab says Cole rolled out of bed and gave her the silent treatment for a few hours. Cole says he was tired and wanted to let Zanab sleep. The two continue to fight … over semantics, over cornhole, over Cole’s girlie drink. But let’s be real: The actual fight is simply about how their real-life experiences with each other aren’t living up to their pod-life expectations. I will say, however, I am impressed that Cole knows how to play chess!
When the exes all meet for the first time (it’s never not funny that they’re all considered exes), we finally get to see how these dynamics play out in “the real world.” (Okay, well, at least a step closer to it.) Matt rides for his woman! And Colleen admits that Cole is hot but nothing more. She avoids him — not because she wants him, I think, but because she thinks running into an ex of any capacity is the most awkward thing in the world. I think she’s satisfied with Matt. Raven and SK admit to their friends that they haven’t gotten physical yet, while Cole and Zanab reveal they’ve fucked five times. Cole admits to “the guys” that despite this, he’s having trouble with Zanab. His phrasing concerns me. He says something like “I was able to craft and create that girl in the pod … Instead of what I wanted her to be, it’s who she is.” Cool, cool. For the record, I also don’t think Zanab is that passive-aggressive. I think she just voices her irritations. Side note: I live for Bartise and Alexa’s reactions to Raven and SK’s celibacy. They’re both taken aback but keep it cool and supportive in the moment. Like … it is weird.
SK can relate to Cole. He opens up about his difficulties with Raven, saying their relationship is a work-in-progress, and confides that on the first night, they were sitting on opposite ends of the couch. Bartise is certain things would be different if he were with Raven. I agree but chalk that up to Bartise’s personality at large, not his specific chemistry with Raven.
Cole is definitely in the running for the Worst, but Bartise manages to snag the crown at the very last minute. Tell me why Bartise thinks it’s appropriate to admit he regrets cutting things off with Raven too quickly, and furthermore, tell Nancy, his fiancée, that he thinks Raven is a smokeshow. The density! And before this, Nancy and Bartise are actually doing well? They laugh and bathe and have a frank yet solid conversation regarding their age difference. And then … and then! And then Bartise has the gall to wax poetic about Raven to Nancy during pillow talk.
Their post-party chat starts off innocent enough: gossiping about the other couples, comparing notes on who they think will make it to the end. Nancy then expresses her relief to Bartise about how she felt seeing one of her exes, SK. She basically says that seeing him for the first time validated her decision to choose Bartise. She’s happy with where she’s at. Bartise responds by saying that’s the opposite of what he experienced. Come again? He replays the night, commenting on Raven’s tight clothes and telling his own fiancée how he thinks Raven is “hot as shit.” He doubles down on the fact that Raven is the type of girl he goes for in the real world and goes on and on about how he and Raven share all these similarities. He discloses to Nancy how close it was between her and Raven while in the pods, and he says he was crying over Raven. Raven this, Raven that! Shut up! And for the record, I am not a Raven hater. This is not Raven’s fault! Bartise, we were rooting for you! How dare you hurt Nancy like this? And if you don’t even realize you’re hurting her … grow up? Nancy needs a man, not a boy.