Love Is Blind
Top off your gold wineglass, toss on your cowboy hat, and queue up Wide Open Spaces because the pod squad is back and heading to Dallas for what I predict will be a truly unhinged third season.
Let’s start by introducing our major players:
• Alexa: Alexa is funny and cool and confident — but I can sense a dark insecurity lurking beneath that façade. She’s close with her family and genuinely looking for love; this isn’t a wannabe influencer on the loose.
• Andrew: I cannot believe Andrew is a real person and not artificial intelligence created by Elon Musk. Why do I now know about this man’s first orgasm without ejaculation? His monologue on transcendental sex was minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. Also, why does he make meow sounds?
• Bartise: Always be wary of a younger man who says he’s ready for marriage and kids. I like Bartise, I think he has a good attitude, but I don’t think this man is ready to settle down despite how much he’s fooling himself.
• Brennon: A down-home good ol’ country boy, Brennon loves big gatherings, cooks a mean shakshuka, and wears a cowboy hat all year round. He isn’t afraid to get vulnerable, and I’m curious why he hasn’t been able to find love in the real world. He frankly seems too normal!
• Cole: I want to say that Cole is Barnett mixed with Shayne, but that doesn’t do him justice. Alexa’s reaction to him is perfect. Cole has been married before to a person he dated for only two months, so this show has nothing on him. He’s 26.
• Colleen: My favorite thing about this 25-year-old is how she leads with the fact that she’s a ballerina but then complains about how guys are attracted to her only because she’s a ballerina. Also, her voice reminds me of Giannina’s.
• Matt: Matt is bland but not in a bad way. Just in an unmemorable way. He’s 27 and was previously married to his high-school sweetheart, but they got a divorce after she cheated on him … and then got pregnant by the other man!
• Nancy: I am already obsessed with this nut. She’s a 31-year-old speech pathologist who wants ten kids and cries for the first time at the 17-minute mark.
• Raven: A 27-year-old Pilates instructor who is obsessed with fitness. I mean obsessed to the point where she can’t stop working out while Bartise spills his guts to her. Like, maybe you need to stop working out in the gym and start working out what’s going through your mind.
• SK: SK is so clearly a data engineer. He gives off methodical energy; he seems very rational. He’s from Nigeria and going to UC Berkeley in the fall for grad school, which makes me wonder how long-distance will fare for him and whoever he ends up with. He’s 34, which I approve of, and wants an educated wifey who isn’t ignorant!
• Zanab: Zanab has a heaviness to her, a weariness. She’s a 31-year-old flight attendant, and she lost both of her parents young. I am worried for her on this show.
By the end of the second episode, Alexa and Brennon, and Cole and Zanab, are engaged. Keep in mind, I reserve the right to change any and all of my opinions as the season progresses, but right now I think Alexa and Brennon might make it, while Cole and Zanab are destined for failure.
Brennon calls Alexa his “lobster,” which tells me everything I need to know. I applaud the fact that this couple discusses their fundamental differences, namely Alexa’s Jewish faith and how Brennon’s family will react to that. So often when I’m watching this show, I scream at my laptop screen for these people to ask one another about real shit! Who cares about your favorite big cat? What about “What does religion look like in our combined lives, and how will we raise our children?” I mean, I don’t think we saw any footage about how they would raise their kids, but I’d like to think the producers simply cut it for time.
Both Brennon and Alexa are children of divorce, and the two get very vulnerable, very fast. I am certain that these two wouldn’t date, or even meet, in the real world, but I think in the LiBiverse they have a chance. They’re the first couple to get engaged, and Alexa warns that Brennon is in for a “crazy mess” and “toxic obsession” but he doesn’t care! This is the most perfect thing he has done in his life. Their reveal pays off. I imagine that seeing this person for the first time, on-camera, after only hearing their voice, is nerve-wracking. These two seem to gravitate naturally toward each other, and their awkwardness is on par for the situation. Yay for them. Moving on.
The thing about Cole is … I’m not sure if he wants a wife as much as he wants a study-abroad experience. When he grills Zanab about Thailand, I imagine he would enjoy being a “digital nomad.” When he reveals that he married someone after two months of dating and then got divorced four months later, I imagine he does not approach decisions with thought and care. When he shares that he lives in a studio apartment without a couch, I imagine he also lives sans shower curtain. Maybe he doesn’t even have a bath mat. This pairing is so odd to me, but then I remember what Zanab said about not wanting to do life alone anymore. Perhaps she’s so desperate to find somebody she’ll settle with anybody. Age differences can definitely be overcome in a relationship, but I think Zanab needs someone steady and (not to be Freudian) someone who can provide that parental energy she’s missing. Their proposal saddens me, as it will not work and will likely cause Zanab massive amounts of suffering. Also, Cole commenting on the size of her boobs is so deeply depressing.
Do we have to talk about Nancy and Andrew? I am on my knees, praying — nay, begging — that she doesn’t end up with this man. This is a man who quotes Alain de Botton during dates and who says things like “I have been face-to-face with leopards and lions tearing apart their meal” and “Do you like kissing, Nancy?” I think they should fuck, for sure, but I do not think they’re compatible for anything longer than a one-night stand. Maybe they could work as a vacation romance, a wild story for Nancy to remember fondly as she’s washing the dishes amid her ten kids running around the home she shares with her stable hubby.
That being said, I’m not sure how I feel about Bartise and Nancy, either. I think they’re a better match but am concerned about Bartise’s eagerness to settle down as a 25-year-old. That may be what he thinks he wants, but I don’t think that’s what he actually wants. I also predict a lot of insecurity from Nancy’s end about being the older woman and not being able to “compete” with women Bartise’s age. Nancy and Bartise will have a lot of fun together, but I’m curious about how they’ll complement each other.
Honestly, I think Bartise and Raven would be a stronger couple. They balance each other out personality-wise, but Bartise dumps her ass after she treats his heart-to-heart like a HIIT sesh. To her credit, Raven realizes she’s not picking up what Bartise is throwing down. He wants a partner to make him feel better, and she says they clearly have different values. Now her primary focus is on SK, who seems fine! Perfectly fine! But I do not see wedding bells in the future for this couple. I’m no royal body-language expert, but after he proposes, she literally retreats in silence, facing the door, before eventually returning to the wall that divides them and answering, “Yes, sir!” Dear God!
This brings us to poor Colleen. Poor Colleen has suffered rejection after rejection in the pods. Cole of all people calls her out for not being able to go deep, which I would maybe do too if she had asked me how to spell the name Cole and expressed surprise that it isn’t “coal like Santa.” Colleen says she’s not used to accessing vulnerability. She’s not shallow, she claims, but she’s comfortable with keeping things surface-level. In fact, she tells Cole she has never been attracted to emotional intimacy or gone for that in her past relationships. This makes me very sad. Babe, with your husband??? Maybe with your mailman! Maybe even with your book club! But I do think your life partner and you should have … some semblance of a deeper connection. Cole kicks her to the curb. Let’s remember that Brennon has already kicked her to the curb. Colleen then goes to Matt and confesses that she’s scared to reveal her true self. Matt opens up about his previous marriage and subsequent divorce and admits that he hasn’t told anyone the details he’s telling Colleen. She tells Matt she’s ready for that serious relationship, and — good news — so is Matt! He wants to throw the pigskin around with his kids and take them golfing. Sure!
I actually want to smite the producers for leaving us on such a cliffhanger. Who will Nancy choose? Is she going to have to greet her future husband with a “meow” for the rest of her life? Luckily, the episodes are now streaming, so we can just click “Next”!
Update: An earlier version of this recap included a line that we have since removed.