ByBethy Squires,
a Vulture news blogger who covers comedy
Everything — celebrities, diseases, French fries — is either goth, punk, or metal. Can you tell the difference?
Photo: Comedy Central
As the second most goth villain (Bane) once said to the most goth superhero (Batman), “You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it.” I don’t want to toot my own horn here, because self-confidence is not goth, but I’m pretty deep in the spooky alt scene. I got married on Halloween. We adopted our cat from Hollywood Forever Cemetery. I enjoy Queen of the Damned, and not entirely ironically!
As a teen coming up in the mall-goth/Midwest, emo/DIY-punk scene, me and my fellow alt multi-hyphenates figured out that everything can be sorted into goth, punk, or metal. Kind of like how all girls have either cat, dog, or bird faces. For example: diseases. Tuberculosis is goth, obviously. Hemorrhagic fever is metal. And gangrene is punk because you’re likely to step on a rusty nail at a sketchy basement show. But it extends to everything — elements (lead is goth, but all the other heavy metals are, duh, metal), architecture, means of transport, or prehistoric beasts (stegosaurus is punk because of the mohawk). So here, on Vulture’s Goth Day, we put you to the ultimate goth test.
Correct! Knowing things is very dark academia, and being insufferable about knowing things is downright Byronic.
Incorrect. Knowing things is very dark academia, and being insufferable about knowing things is downright Byronic.
Correct! Kourtney’s smoothie includes activated charcoal, the most goth bullshit health food on the market.
Sorry, but Kourtney’s smoothie includes activated charcoal, the most goth bullshit health food on the market.
Correct. Joker and Poison Ivy are punk (pop punk and eco-anarchist, respectively). Killer Croc is the most metal of the rogues’ gallery. Penguin, especially the Tim Burton version, is a pale outcast who thinks wearing stripes can make him seem cool.
Nope. Joker and Poison Ivy are punk (pop punk and eco-anarchist, respectively). Killer Croc is the most metal of the rogues’ gallery. Penguin, especially the Tim Burton version, is a pale outcast who thinks wearing stripes can make him seem cool.
Exactly. Knives are metal, and spoons are folk punk (especially if they’re made of wood). Forks can be used to simulate vampire-bite marks on your neck. And they’re featured prominently in The Little Mermaid. We all know the goth/Disney adult overlap is strong.
Wrong. Knives are metal, and spoons are folk punk (especially if they’re made of wood). Forks can be used to simulate vampire-bite marks on your neck. And they’re featured prominently in The Little Mermaid. We all know the goth/Disney adult overlap is strong.
Kissing a dead girl? C’mon.
Nope, it’s Snow White. Kissing a dead girl? C’mon.
Correct. Bella saves the day by trying to sacrifice herself, which is pretty goth.
Sorry, but it has to be Eclipse. Bella saves the day by trying to sacrifice herself, which is pretty goth.
Right, because that’s what they serve at Denny’s at 3 a.m. after a Siouxsie and the Banshees cover show.
Wrong. It’s seasoned fries, because that’s what they serve at Denny’s at 3 a.m. after a Siouxsie and the Banshees cover show.
Right. Velvet curtains would be nice, but perpetual darkness takes precedent.
Wrong! Perpetual darkness trumps all.
Yes. Because they’re not really sports. And they’re a classic indoor-kid activity. And some of their biggest matches take place in the most goth resort on the Las Vegas Strip, the tomb-themed, actually haunted Luxor.
Actually, yes they are. Because they’re not really sports. And they’re a classic indoor-kid activity. And some of their biggest matches take place in the most goth resort on the Las Vegas Strip, the tomb-themed, actually haunted Luxor.
Correct. Despite having a preponderance of magicians (goth occupation), Las Vegas is too hot and lawless to be truly goth.
Wrong. Despite having a preponderance of magicians (goth occupation), Las Vegas is too hot and lawless to be truly goth.
Yes, but many stand-ups think they’re punk. Sad.
Actually, it is, but many stand-ups think they’re punk. Sad.
Correct. It’s the sign with the most BDSM overtones.
Wrong. Yield is the sign with the most BDSM overtones.
Right. Dan Aykroyd will tell you about his paranormal investigations or his skull-shaped vodka at the drop of a hat.
No, it’s Dan Aykroyd, who will tell you about his paranormal investigations or his skull-shaped vodka at the drop of a hat.
Correct. All these movies are goth, but it’s The Matrix, for the fits alone.
Sorry, all these movies are goth, but it’s The Matrix, for the fits alone.
Correct. Openly depressed, dumb hat, a little fruity, theatergoer, often found at Disneyland.
Wrong! It’s Abraham Lincoln. Openly depressed, dumb hat, a little fruity, theatergoer, often found at Disneyland.
Yep. Theda Bara’s image was an act she resented. No studio told Jolie to do the blood-vial thing.
Nope. Theda Bara’s image was an act she resented. No studio told Jolie to do the blood-vial thing.
Yes. Everyone else wrote gnarly fiction, but only Mary Shelly (allegedly) lost her v-card on her mother’s grave and kept her late husband’s mummified heart.
No, everyone else wrote gnarly fiction, but only Mary Shelly (allegedly) lost her v-card on her mother’s grave and kept her late husband’s mummified heart.
Correct. 1813, a.k.a. “The Year Without a Summer.” 33 AD is the most metal year (death of Christ, plus any year with three or fewer digits is in the metal epoch). And 1977 is the most punk year.
Nope. It’s 1813, a.k.a. “The Year Without a Summer.” 33 AD is the most metal year (death of Christ, plus any year with three or fewer digits is in the metal epoch). And 1977 is the most punk year.
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